Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
im all 3
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I am a gravy boat captain
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.