Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
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Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Is this anything
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
no cat here
