Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

😆

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN