Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Spell check is for lasers.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.