Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶