Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
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All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Howl 😭
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.