Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”