Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.