Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

groan^2

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode