Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.