Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital