Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

This meal prepping shit easy

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage