hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
That took me a moment.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“No way.” -Jose
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
And then there were 4
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!