Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
FRED: right
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.