Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
What flavor cupcake are these
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”