Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *