Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“What?”
– Jude
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
