Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.