Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.