Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me