Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.