Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Stop.

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

TODAY

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry