Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Raisins are grape jerky.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Beware of the “party goblin”…
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.