Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
looks legit