Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

A drum solo but on your face.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers