Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.