Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.