Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?