Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Cinema or bowling
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!