Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

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my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal


I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.


Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*


Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.


date: i hate pet names

me: [trying to recover as i was about to call her a cutie pie] same…. comrade


Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.


last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex


I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”


*gives up horoscopes for Lent

*caves and reads horoscope

“You are weak willed and lack conviction”


On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes