my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.
date: i hate pet names
me: [trying to recover as i was about to call her a cutie pie] same…. comrade
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
*gives up horoscopes for Lent
*caves and reads horoscope
“You are weak willed and lack conviction”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes