Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
This is a bad sign
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket