Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help