Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Dudes named Chance never had one.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you