Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.