[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
You Might Also Like
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.