Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

“what’s it like having a sister?”