[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
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First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Don’t tell me what to do
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’m crying im so happy for them
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole