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JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.