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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.