Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
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I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Time for evil
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta