Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery