Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.