hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
He’s cranky this morning
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Check your privilege
