hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
*gets down on one knee*
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one