Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.