hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
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I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose