Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

😊🦆

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.