Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

Noah

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

me working on my assignments ^-^

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.