hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
You Might Also Like
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings