Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Tremendous stuff

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.