[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
WHY?!
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe