Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

He’s dead

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.