[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants