Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Any refunds available?…

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that