“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
checking out some reviews of my local library
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now