“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting