Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

This will teach them to underestimate me

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.