Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Based Erika

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.