Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

#titanic

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw