*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
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My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
they should create new variants of dopamine
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month