*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.