*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
So sick of all these stupid rules
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor