Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

Donkey Kong sommelier

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN