Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

ㅤ

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

This was my dad’s browser history.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…