Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
You Might Also Like
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.