Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses