Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

I’m not lazy

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

S/o to @funTweeters .

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.