Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

you stereotypes are all alike

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

*jingles half the way*

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.