@mjkspeaks

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

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@TheTweetOfGod

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

@DaddyJew

My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek

@

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@coketruck76

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

@mommy_cusses

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

@singing_ghosts

[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”

@unravelingfire

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

@Jasmin__Kaur

Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there