*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”