@mjkspeaks

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

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@GinAndJif

My transformation from ugly duckling to beautiful swan must be buffering…

@AnOrangeSNES

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

@UncleDuke1969

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

@rzarosco

“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist

@GrantTanaka

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

@Rollinintheseat

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*

@pilau

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

@awescar

If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.