@mjkspeaks

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

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@iwearaonesie

[IKEA]
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*

@daddydoubts

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

@3sunzzz

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

@seamusmckracken

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

@Bexyful

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

@sixthformpoet

The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.

@LlamaInaTux

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

@NCSox

Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”