My transformation from ugly duckling to beautiful swan must be buffering…
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys” said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: If you love them, let them go
*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
doc: it’s still March
If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.