[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.


My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kaz474″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3724614596/fcd3cb35f126d08ed3b0fad9c2d79ba5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”258757088577191937″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”61″;s:5:”tweet”;s:87:”Some people seem to take the question “how stupid can you be?” as a personal challenge.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

The answer is tired.


Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.


[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”


If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.


Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there