(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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Stop sending me this shit.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Grandpa
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies