(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
getting old is fun
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.