Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

I think the cat got the dog high.

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.