House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You Might Also Like
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
This dude got his own movie?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.