House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Lmao