House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
are they though??
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
So inspired right now.
