House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
You Might Also Like
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.