House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.