Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Legend 🤣🤣

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

I falcon love using swear birds

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.