House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.