House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.